I’ve come yet again to this most irritating pinnacle of angry and equivocal point of stress that causes disarray in all my days functioning. I broke down crying last night like a whiny little girl about some serious things and some retarded things that should have no bearing on my life and I’m still not quite sure where I stand in my mind on what to do about these things except stick it out and shut up.

However, a few things affect me everyday. I feel uncomfortable around people, never know what to say, half the things I do say aren’t what I mean and comes out wrong and then it becomes an uncomfortable situation and we walk seperate ways. I actually avoid people at work sometimes to not have to talk to them. If I come out of the kitchen and see someone I feel small around or don’t know well, I will turn right back around and go the other way. Just to avoid weirdness. I mean, can someone tell me what the fuck that is? But then, somedays I feel great, like Mondays when I’m free again and can go back to work. I’m happy and talk to everyone then go back to my desk and continue on with my anti-social hibernation. It’s not that I don’t like people, I’d love to be that person that everyone knows, is always on point, makes the best jokes at the right times, isn’t narcissistic and seems to have everything. I am just stuck in this fear of making a fool of myself and it’s increasingly detrimental. I feel like I need to come to terms with something and even last night my BF told me that maybe there is something I’m not over. I think it’s just that I’ve spent most of my young years angry, then in teen years was angry and hopped up on drugs, and now it’s like I missed out on so much normal youth that I’m just wired wrong! It’s like I have all these little bad habits that need to be reversed and so much personal relationships I didn’t have that now I just need to learn how to interact. With anyone. Even the intimate relationships I had were volitile, abusive, and generally just being a sex tool that my whole general impression on people is warped. Now that I have good things going on in my life and a great guy I feel even worse at times because I am afraid. Afraid of not being able to regain my composure and move on. You know, sometimes I used to cry during sex because I had this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, unsure of myself, just some strange feeling of fear like you can’t imagine. Well, that is long in the past and I’m glad but still….I don’t have a point here. Sometimes I wonder if I let these things get to me to destroy the goodness I’ve acquired. Things tend to go wrong when life is good, and I fear the person closest to me won’t understand or won’t be able to work through it with me.

The main thing that is bringing all this on is this jail bullshit. I’m sick and tired of it and I hate everyday I have to go through it, hear about it, talk about, people make jokes about it, and so on so forth. I hate the system more than ever, in VA I guess, and I feel very vindictive and personally attacked by having to put up with this shit. Not only that, but it doesn’t affect just me, it affects my BF too, and don’t think I don’t knowI’m not the only one who has to deal with court shit or the law fucking them over. You know what though? Two-thirds of those dipshits in jail should be in jail, but for other third its tough titties. So, when I think of people in history that have been prosecuted or charged or accused wrongfully, again, I feel like a whiny little girl and chide myself to shut up. It’s almost over and I’ll be done, but then what? I still have to worry about driving around dirty and whine bitch moan. *sigh*

I guess I just have to keep looking foward and stop looking over my shoulder to the void behind me. The more I talk about this shit the more retarded it sounds to me but yet I know that these insecurities people have destroy their lives! Their sex lives, their relationships, their families, and their work and it freaks me out! I just need to focus on me and become neutral on everything for awhile. Not let anything get to me and lose these negative emotions or else I’m done for!

Thanks for listening world.

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